Attachment Styles in Relationships
Attachment theory was initiated by John Bowlby in the 1950’s and has been expanded upon since then. The theory identifies attachment styles that are instrumental in how we relate to others. The individual’s attachment style is about how bonds have developed with those depended upon. The consistency and reliability of our early childhood care influences our sense of security with others, ourselves and the larger world and thus impacts our subsequent interpersonal relationships. The result is either a secure attachment style or one of three possible insecure attachment styles.
What we know however, is that one’s attachment style is not necessarily fixed. Individuals seeking to identify and address their insecure attachment styles need to self-reflect and be honest with themselves about how they are showing up in their relationships and how their behaviour might be impacting themselves and the relationship. This is not about self-criticism. It is about growth.
This blog post sets out some information on the styles of attachment that can operate as well as some strategies to address insecure attachment in adults.
Types of Attachment
The two main theorised types of adult attachment styles are secure and insecure attachment.
Secure Attachment
This type of attachment is characterised by a balance between independence and intimacy, trust and relationship stability.
Caregivers in the individual’s childhood were consistent and met the individual’s emotional and physical needs. Where this occurs, there is a sense of mattering. Research has shown that mattering is associated with relationship satisfaction and quality[1].
Individuals who ascribe to a secure attachment style are more likely to have a positive view of their childhood and upbringing.
A securely attached individual is easily able to identify their needs and be comfortable seeking to have those needs met by other people including romantic partners. They communicate in an assertive manner and are emotionally available to their partner. They show empathy and understanding when their partner communicates with them. They are adept at conflict resolution and emotional regulation - they have effective coping strategies enabling them to minimise distress when navigate the ups and downs in a relationship.
Secure attachment leads to healthier, stronger relationships in adulthood and a greater sense of satisfaction. The more connected we feel the greater our sense of autonomy and independence.
Insecure Attachment
This style of attachment may manifest in insecurity in relationships and trouble developing adult interpersonal relationships. Individuals who are insecurely attached may struggle with communication, trust and intimacy.[2]
It may have developed as a coping mechanism in childhood but does not work as an adult. As a child, the caregiver might have made the individual feel ashamed for being emotional, they might have ignored the child when they were in distress and/or distanced themselves from the child when they express their distressed emotions.
As an adult, it might look like prioritised independence over connecting with family and friends or withholding and saying something like “I’m fine” when asked by their partner how their day progressed, even if the day was bad. It can also manifest as a belief that they don’t deserve to be in a loving relationship, a sense of negative self-worth or emotional regulation difficulties.
Insecure attachment can be broken down into three categories:
Avoidant (aka Dismissive)
People ascribing to this style of attachment, pre-emptively strike by downplaying or dismissing emotions and a need for emotional closeness. Individuals who ascribe to an avoidance attachment style tend to be less emotionally available than those who are securely attached. They may downplay the importance of emotional discussions and have difficulty communicating and getting their needs met. This plays out in difficulty resolving conflicts.[3]
In this operating style, the individual has difficulty tolerating emotional intimacy or closeness with others. As a result, the individual may seek to avoid or minimise or deny their need for intimate connections with others; not acknowledge or suppress negative emotions and thoughts so that they don’t have to deal with them; seek to remain autonomous in their relationships so that they don’t have to get too close to the other person. The difficulty in connecting can impact their sense of self-worth in relationships.
People with this style are highly self-reliant and independent and often prefer to focus on their achievements rather than relationships. This distancing can be perceived as disinterest which can provoke anxiety in the individual’s partner.
This type of style can arise from the lack of availability of the caregiver early in life, which left the individual having to care for themselves or manage difficult emotions alone. It arises as a fundamental fear of rejection and is associated with low anxiety and high avoidance.
Anxious (aka Preoccupied)
Individuals operating with this style are fearful of being abandoned. They might seek lots of reassurance from their partner and may become anxious if separated from them. They may also be sensitive to perceived rejection or distance by their partner. They aren’t characterised by independence or autonomy. Individuals who present with anxious attachment may be viewed as insecure, dependent or too needy/clingy in the relationship. Although they can be emotionally available to their partner, they tend to struggle with this.
Other signs that anxious attachment might be operating in adulthood include hypervigilance and/or catastrophic thinking (e.g., feeling that things will go very wrong, very quickly). They may over analyse and have difficulty communicating in a clear and assertive manner. Individuals with an anxious attachment style often hold a negative view of self but a positive view of others. They may also have difficulty with criticism and rejection.[4] Individuals with anxious attachment tend to experience emotionally charged and turbulent relationships. Due to the desire to avoid abandonment they may be prone to insecurity and jealousy which can result in relationship dissatisfaction. Their self-worth can fluctuate depending upon how their relationship is tracking e.g., improved self-worth being evident when the relationship is going well.
This type of response can often occur where the individual’s caregiving as a child was inconsistent.[5] Where that occurred, the caregiver might have been available some of the time but emotionally closed off at other times. The child might grow up feeling that they may not get the love and emotional support they need at any given time.
Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant)
Here the individual often desires intimacy and connection but also simultaneously fears this – it is a threat to their safety. Anxiety might be high as might avoidance.
Individuals who operate in this way might give inconsistent signals to others e.g., “come here/ go away” or “push/pull” type behaviour – they prevaricate between wanting to be in a relationship and not wanting to, as a protective mechanism. Their emotional availability is erratic. The erratic nature of their behaviour can be confusing and can lead to misunderstandings.
Other characteristics that an individual with this type of attachment style might display include inconsistent communication; loneliness; distrust of and doubting others whom they might want to form a relationship with; negative self-image; low self-esteem and emotional dysregulation issues where they alternate between extreme expression of emotions and being emotionally distant. Emotional regulation is challenging.
This type of attachment style is often consistent with having experienced childhood abuse and/or trauma or severe inconsistent parenting.[6] How it presents will depend upon the age of the individual. Adults for example, with this type of attachment style might not trust the people they are closest to, or they might have extreme reactions to displays of affection from a partner.[7]
Strategies to Address Insecure Attachment Styles
An individual’s attachment style can be altered throughout the lifespan. As with anything worth doing, it requires agency, effort and patience. The first step of which is recognising the style that is operating[8].
The partner you select can be extremely instrumental in the attachment style experienced in that relationship.
The current thinking is that an optimum way to a secure attachment style if one doesn’t currently have one, is to choose a partner that does. In the alternative, choose a partner that acknowledges they aren’t in the secure attachment style but are willing to work on it and change with you.[9]
The partner who is securely attached could demonstrate what this looks like as well as be supportive and themselves vulnerable and open in the relationship.[10] Engaging with a supportive and healthy relationship allows for experience of a secure attachment style first hand.[11]
Earned security is where attempts are made to make each other feel safe and secure by being consistent in their behaviours, by respecting boundaries and independence, by taking emotional risks with each other and by being open and transparent in their communication. Where this occurs, an individual can move from insecure attachment to secure attachment.
The following, are some strategies that could help with developing a more secure attachment style:
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – this can help with looking at and challenging unhelpful thinking and negative behaviours. Self-reflection is key as is a willingness to explore different ways of thinking and more secure behaviours.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy – which can help with regulating emotions, distress tolerance and interpersonal relationship skills amongst other skills.
Developing Alternative Supports – this would need to be someone other than the individual’s original caregiver. It could be another family member, friend or in the case of a relationship, one’s current partner.
Developing Trust – Securely attached individuals have a healthy level of trust in their partners and themselves. Insecurely attached individuals tend to have difficulty trusting. Trust however can be built. This is dependent upon:
empathy and attunement - The latter is about being self-aware as well as having an awareness of others.
There is no attunement or empathy where one party is ghosting (i.e., the party you are in a relationship with disappears), breadcrumbing (i.e., the party you are dating throws you breadcrumbs to keep you hanging in but they have little or no intention of maintaining a real relationship with you), cushioning (i.e., you are viewed as a plan b option in case other potential partners don’t work out) or engaging in other unpleasant relationship behaviours.[12]
What Feuerman suggests is that when there is attunement with others, it results in greater empathy, responsiveness and emotional awareness.[13] Where empathy exists there is respect – especially of differing viewpoints. It is important to find some truth in the feelings and perspective being shared. Validation is a key part of healthy relationships as is good communication as it allows the other party to know they have been heard and understood.
This does not mean a person can’t be hurt in a relationship. They can. What it means though, is the partner who realises they have caused hurt would be more likely to respond thoughtfully and appropriately.
being earned – Trust is earned. This does not mean trust is automatically given. Rather it means assessing the person and their values by paying close attention to their words and deeds. How reliable and accountable are they? Do they keep your interests and not just theirs in mind? Do they confide in you all aspects of their life? If, you feel the person is not keeping their word or acting inconsistently it would be appropriate to consider not going further the relationship.[14]
Communication – healthy relationships are characterised by both parties being attuned to each other. They also practice effective communication strategies. The communication is assertive, clear and direct.
Where a partner is triggered by an insecure attachment style, they may implement strategies that remove them from the situation via thoughts or actions. In contrast when the partner is emotionally available, they tend to express their vulnerabilities and fears.
When partners have insight into why they are vulnerable and share that with the other party, both parties can problem solve together and utilise their own coping skills to effectively reduce overwhelm or reactive emotions.[15] When partners communicate effectively, they can restabilise the relationship.
Emotional Regulation – this plays a significant role in relationships regardless of attachment style.
Individuals with the Anxious attachment style can be more reactive as they struggle with perceived threats to the relationship. They may experience insecurity, fear and heightened anxiety.[16]
Disorganised attachment styles tend to exhibit unpredictable and erratic patterns of emotional regulation.[17] Their conflicting emotional responses make it difficult to emotionally regulate.
Individuals with an Avoidant style make seek emotional distance and thus downplay how they feel, and they often have difficulty seeking their partner’s support.[18]
In contrast those who are Securely attached tend to exhibit a more adaptive style as they have developed effective coping strategies to navigate the ups and downs of a relationship without incurring significant distress.
When we emotionally regulate, we are able to better respond to life’s challenges without feeling overwhelmed and/or acting impulsively. Ideally, we want to build in space between the triggering event and how we wish to respond it. Key strategies to help with this include:
Acceptance – when we accept something is as it is and we let go of wanting it to be otherwise, we can regain equilibrium and re-deploy our energy in a calm and effective manner.
Slowing Down and taking notice – try stepping back and noticing and naming your emotional reactions. Ask what triggered them. You could try writing them down, if you wanted to. When we are mindful and take the time to observe and identify our emotions, we gain not only insight but also the space needed before formulating a response. It also allows us to become more empathic and understanding of others.
Identifying your physiological responses – e.g., tension, pounding heart and suffusion of heat. if you are in a heightened state of arousal and do not have clarity, delay any response by taking some type of action that will give you some distance e.g., practice a breathing exercise, go for a walk; go to an art gallery, talk to a trusted friend; do some distracting task like deleting unwanted emails; washing your coffee cup; tidying your workspace.
Cognitively reappraising– this allows for a tempered response. In reappraising, you are stepping back from your thoughts and emotions and challenging your initial reactions. Evaluate your options and what information you might need to determine the right response for you.
People who are more resilient “tend to explain setbacks as temporary, local and controllable.”[19] “How tolerable a situation feels grows out of our belief about whether we can do anything to escape it.”[20] The optimum bias is the expectation of a favourable outcome. Being optimistic is also a predictor of physical and psychological resilience.
Communicating in a calm and assertive manner – communication is social currency. How we communicate then, is vitally important. When we communicate in a calm and assertive manner, we not only avoid lashing out and minimise potential regret and other negative consequences, but we also stand a greater chance of getting our needs met.
Problem solving – when we are in a calm state, we can better problem solve. When we problem solve, we are shifting our energy, focus and attention onto what is within our control to do something about.
These strategies will assist with proactively managing emotions and allow for more constructive and appropriate responses.
Interpersonal Regulation – it is important that the parties within a relationship find a way to balance conflicting needs so as to engender better satisfaction with the relationship.
Address any Trauma – where trauma has occurred, it is important to process that with a therapist that works in the trauma space as this will be a key step to developing a more secure attachment style.[21]
Change the relationship you have with yourself – this could involve self-care and self-compassion, setting healthy boundaries, stepping back from fear and recognising your own worth.
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References
[1] Flett, G. L. (2022). An Introduction, Review and Conceptual Analysis of Mattering as an Essential Construct and an Essential Way of Life. Journal of Psychoeducational Assessment. Vol. 40(1) 3–36 © The Author 2021.
[2] Drescher A. Insecure vs Secure Attachment In Relationships. Updated 6 May 2025. Simply Psychology.
[3] ibid
[4] Insecure Attachment Styles: From Childhood to Adulthood – published July 2021 and updated March 2025
[5] Feuerman, M, Dr. (2019). Ghosted and Breadcrumbed. New World Library pp 24
[6] Ibid pg 25
[7] Bottaro, A. (Oct 2023). How to Heal an Insecure Attachment Style.
[8] Drescher A. Insecure vs Secure Attachment In Relationships
[9] Feuerman, M, Dr. (2019).pp 168
[10] ibid
[11] Drescher A. Insecure vs Secure Attachment In Relationships
[12] Ibid pp 169
[13] Ibid pp 169
[14] Ibid pp 170
[15] Ibid pg 171
[16] Drescher A (2025).
[17] ibid
[18] ibid
[19] Rosen Kellerman, G and Seligman, M (2023). Tomorrowmind. Nicholas Brackley Publishing. London. Boston. pg 69
[20] Ibid pg 70
[21] Drescher A. Insecure vs Secure Attachment In Relationships